ANSEL AUGUST 2008 (Not happy behind that fence)
Today marks the fourth day since Ansel died. I have been on a roller coaster of emotion since Sunday, having huge moments of grief and then rallying. Today is the first day I awoke without a huge feeling of loss. Every other morning greeted me with a tear in my eye upon waking. My first thought has been of her each and every morning.
Yesterday I had to take a deep breath of air in when I woke up to contain myself. You see, the mornings were always filled with Ansel duty. I had to take her out to pee, then give Ansel her breakfast so I could take her out to poop approximately an hour after eating (that's what worked best), then I had to give her a cocktail of medication for her eyes, a Prenizone eye drop in her right eye and a drop of Imuran in her left eye. Both of these drops had been administered for 7 years. Ever since her retinas detached when she was 1 1/2.
After the laborious job of morning meds were done, I would give her some healthy supplements, concealed in a bit of wet dog food. She was on a doggy vitamin, Glucosamine and Omega 3 fatty acids. Ansel would then go upstairs, but not before I put her dog booties on so she didn't scratch up the hardwood floors. At 8am I'd take her for walk quickly and then she'd begin her day of lounging while my wife and I went to work.
Mornings were perhaps our most involved time with Ansel and it's no wonder the grief has been the worst in the mornings. There is however, one thing that has kept me from completely losing it and that is the knowledge that I had 8 1/2 years with her. She was, as our vet told us when he heard of Ansel's death, the most cared for dog on the planet. And that she was. She cared for us and we cared for her.
I have found myself with memories coming to light that I thought I'd forgotten. Amazing times that I know I couldn't have shared with any other dog. When I think of these memories I am filled with an incredible amount of pleasure and happiness. I wouldn't trade those memories to get rid of the pain I now feel. In fact, I have learned to acknowledge the pain and grief for what it is and then quickly remind myself that although her life was shortened, it was still a great life. And she didn't have to go through the pain of old age that my parents dogs went through. She didn't have to go blind, or battle with incontinence. She didn't get arthritis, or hip pain like many Akitas do. She went out on the top, her body in very good health, still being able to enjoy all the things she loved. For this, I am very happy.
No amount of reasoning will ever convince me that my dogs death was a good thing, but I can look at the moments we shared and the fact that she didn't suffer and I can take great comfort in that.
The rest, time will heal. For now I am going to continue to think about her each and every morning and be very thankful for the time I did have with her.
Sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeletei know what its like
ReplyDeletehttp://nycrunfashion.blogspot.com
Thanks for sharing her beautiful nature with us. I know her life was not in vain as this is the first time I and I'm sure others have heard of HGE. I'm sure you have saved others the pain of losing their precious friend. I wish you all the best. I'm sure she will always be with you and thanks you for loving her as you did.
ReplyDeleteooh ! am sorry
ReplyDeleteLove Miiicha
We lost our Toby, Miniature Schnauzer to HGE on September 12th, 2009. He lived with us for 10 of his long and healthy 12 years. We too have had a hard time with him gone. Toby was our first dog. He was the best.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog brings up alot of grief and guilt not knowing that if we had acted earlier in the day that we may have been able to save him. First signs of illness was bloody vomiting and discomfort. No diarrhea until vet examination. He collapsed on the table.
D. Lee Brockville, ON, Canada
I am so sorry for your loss... we were lucky enough to get our 3yr old chihuahua to the vet in time. They kept him for over a day for IVF and antibiotics. He's still not feeling well, but I think it's getting better. I had never heard of HGE before but the possibilities are terrifying! It could just as easily been us in your position, but the way his symptoms presented were easier to spot than your dogs'. I will be forever vigilant now, checking all his poops for blood and a reoccurance...
ReplyDelete~Kelly, MA
Thank you for you story abut Ansel. I lost my seven month old British Lab Sulaco tonight. He died on the way to the emergency vet. I didn't know anything was wrong. No, he hadn't been as full of piss and vinegar as usual but he didn't show any signs of anything else until tonight when I came home and there was blood all over the floor. This is extremely hard for me and even more so for my daughter because she loves animals so much. Thank you for your post saying that you can't beat yourself up because you didn't know. I didn't. But I feel so damned guilty. But, we were with him when he died. He lived long enough for us to tell him that. I just don't know why this had to happen.
ReplyDeleteNubby,
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. Really. My heart goes out to you.
But honestly, please don't beat yourself up. I still think about the "what ifs" and they will drive you crazy.
I'm happy knowing that there are so many people who love their pets as much as I loved mine.
Best wishes,
Taylor
I'm truly sorry for your loss...
ReplyDeleteA life shared, always leaves a big void behind when they are gone. :(
I've found your blog through a desperate search for anything to explain my 3yo dog's sudden illness, and although he is now under watch with IV treatment, we could easily lose him tonight.
If only...
I had known about HGE;
I had refused to accept the vet's thumb's up when his blood count & kidney function tests showed up as normal...
I had found a competent vet sooner;
If only...
I am so sorry for your loss. Our sweet mutt, Corky, is recovering from what the vet suspects is HGE. On Sunday evening this week, Corky had a mushy poop on her walk (isn't it weird how dog owners discuss their pet's poop consistency-much the same as my husband and I used to discuss our infant/toddler's poop consistency). Anyway, she was fine the rest of the evening. Monday morning, she refused her food. Not uncommon for her, as she has tummy upsets every few weeks. She had a runny poop on her 7:30 am walk, and then began vomiting after we returned home. Again, not uncommon for her. Then the vomiting became every few minutes, followed by watery diarrhea. I sensed something wrong-she was lethargic, and not her usually perky self. The vet said to bring her in, so I loaded her up in the car and drove like a maniac to the vet's. When we were waiting for a room to become free, she started dribbling blood from her back end. Luckily, I had a box of Wipe-Ems with me (a Mom thing), and told the receptionist, who immediately called the back to get a doc out there. The vet's assistant came out, took her to the scale, and she literally exploded with blood and watery diarrhea-horrible. The vet rushed her to the back, where they started IV fluids and antibiotics immediately. I was convinced that we were going to lose her, but after two days of IV fluids, antibiotics and anti-nausea drugs, she is markedly improved. Her bloodwork was normal except for a slightly positive pancreatitis test. I think that Corky survived because of luck, the nearness of her vet to our house, and a Mom's instinct that something was really wrong.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I am so sorry for your loss, but you did everything in your power to save your sweet Ansel. I'm sure that you gave her a terrific life, and that her suffering, if any, was mercifully short. Thanks for sharing any and all info about HGE.
I'm so sorry about Ansel. What a beautiful animal!
ReplyDeleteMy 2 yr old, perfectly healthy lab was diagnosed with HGE yesterday. Scary stuff.
Aunt Ginny,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that.
And how is he/she?
Best,
Taylor
So sorry for your loss! My dog is at the vet right now with this, and it is killing me. I have seven dogs. 4 bigger outside dogs and three little dogs. My Felina is eight years old. She is a chihuahua mix. On Sunday morning, I woke up to find two big piles of vomit in my laundry room where my little dogs sleep. I didn't know which one it came from. It was clear with bits of grass in it. They all seemed okay, so I cleaned it up and didn't think anything of it. Later that afternoon my Felina started throwing up clear vomit again. I thought she had just ate something weird, so I just kept and eye on her. She went out to use the bathroom and I was watching her and saw liquid blood come out. Not poop at all it was pure blood. It scared me to death and we called the after hour emergency vet. He asked us her age and shot status and what not. He decided she would probably be fine and to watch her closely. This was the vet on call, not our normal vet. I stayed up with her all night and she continually got worse. I kept making her drink water and she drank it willingly but would immediately throw it up. I live in a very rural area. We are about 75 miles from the vet, so I just kept pushing fluids until morning. We took her to the vet Monday morning and she was horrible! I thought I would never see her again. We left her because we both work, and the vet finally called me yesterday and told me what was wrong and he said for me not to get my hopes up because she is pretty bad, but he is optomistic. Now we are on day two of fluids and antibiotics. I am missing her terribly and I am calling the vet every couple of hours. They said she didn't have vomiting or diarrhea last night and that is a good thing, but she isn't perky at all. I am so worried! Thank you for the information, and I am so sorry for your loss of Ansel!
ReplyDeleteI found this blog while researching the strange illness my girl, Suzy, had contracted. My vet -and all I've found on the internet- says it is a rare affliction and it is unknown why dogs contract it.
ReplyDeleteSuzy, a pit bull, has always had a sensitive stomach - a common trait of her breed - so I didn't worry too much about the diarrhea. It's when she started shaking, vomiting and whimpering that my heart started sinking.
I stayed up with her all night. We went outside every 10 minutes, despite the raging storms. When she finally stopped having explosive diarrhea and/or vomiting, I passed out with on the couch.
I woke up just a few hours later to what looked like a scene from a slasher flick. Blood was EVERYWHERE. It was on the walls. It was on the carpet. It saturated our curtains. The smell was one of the foulest I have ever encountered. Blood, not diarrhea, was shooting out of her like a garden hose. Suzy was dying.
My husband and I wrapped her up in a blanket and sped to the vet. I walked through the door covered in red and completely hysterical. The staff immediately knew what was happening... thank God!
Without their quick response, Suzy would have died within the hour. My amazing vet got to his office at 6 in the morning to tend to my girl. She spent the next week and a half hooked up to IVs and under constant hospital care.
HGE is a deadly affliction and NO one seems to be aware of its existence. I certainly was not. Parents of those lost, like your sweet Ansel, and those almost lost MUST speak out so others do not suffer the same mistakes. Immediate treatment is imperative and can prevent so much damage.
My heart goes out to you, sweetheart. I know years have passed since you lost your baby, but I can only imagine the loss you still feel.
God bless all you who lost a loved one. Our puppy is in the hospital now with HGE. We are praying and hoping for the best. She is one of our family like yours are and tears are running down my face reading your story. Never knew what HGE until tonight.
ReplyDeleteI also found your blog after looking up HGE online due to my boston terrier's diagnosis with the same thing. Like most, I hadn't ever heard of HGE nor did I initially suspect that my baby's vomiting could potentially have been fatal. Luckily my housemates and I caught his symptoms early and I trusted my instincts to get him seen. He is now recovering at home, after 24 hours of IV fluids and veterinary care. He's still in a bit of pain but thankfully, no vomiting or blood in his stool. I'm truly sorry for your loss, and I have to say that Ansel has to be one of the most beautiful dogs I've ever seen in my life. I can't imagine what it must have been like to lose her. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
ReplyDelete